Sunday, May 20, 2012

Journals - A "Do Over", Please?

Today, while organizing some papers in my office, I came across an old journal.  It was from my 20's, back when I was beautiful, with long red hair, aqua eyes, mascara'd lashes, shaded eyelids, and a nice shape.  My life was not an easy one, though.  By the time I was 30, I had a divorce, three children, and a broken heart from another serious relationship that ended. 

Sometimes, I wish I could re-write my old journals....filling in the blanks with the deeper parts, the ugly parts that no one should ever see.  For some reason, when I've written in journals, I've imagined that someone was reading over my shoulder, measuring my words to make sure I wasn't revealing too much....that I wasn't saying something that shouldn't be said.

Now, I wish I could remember it all....even the bad parts.  Because all the things I experienced made me who I am today. 

Here I am again...going through another broken relationship.  I'm not journaling this time, because I don't want a permanent record of it.  I feel cheated this it was all just a big mistake.  I just want it to be over with.

When other relationships ended, I mewed and moaned, and waited for someone to rescue me from my misery.  I felt wronged, and wounded, and just knew that someone better would come along...someone who would treat me the way I should be treated.

But, my late 40's...after going through three serious break-ups....I'm just tired of it all.
I don't want to hurt anymore.  I don't even want to feel anymore.

So, when loneliness creeps in, I cringe, and close my eyes, and fight the tears.  I want to grab loneliness by the throat, and squeeze mercilessly until every ounce of it's life is gone.  Loneliness has never accomplished anything worthwhile in my life.  It has led me down pathways of despair and pain and ugliness and rejection. 

Sure, there are some good memories from my past.  But, I don't even want to think about those...because then, I might start to get the idea that another relationship might be better.  I know now that's not true.  My relationships never work.  I'm no good at them.  I'm better off by myself.

Maybe that's why I wish I could re-write my journals.  Just in case someone really DOES read them one day.  I want them to know the FULL stupid I was, how ridiculously hopeful I was, how naive and trusting I was.  How I really didn't know that I was being lied to and manipulated.  How life would have been so much better if I had never had a serious relationship at all.  How I should have focused on finishing college, following my dreams, staying true to my calling.

But, this is my life now....what's left of it.  Lately, I've been writing music more often.  Pulling out the melodies that have been performed on the stage of my mind since I was a little girl.  They might not be appreciated by anyone else in the world.  But, then again, they might be considered a masterpiece one day.  All I can do is pull them out and put them on display.  We'll see what happens.

Maybe one day, I'll look back at this, and wish I could re-write that music.  Time will tell.

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